February 7th, 2006

Security: Subject: This Is What's Up Time: 12:02 pm

I'm sitting here looking back at the past few years of my life, and I must say its been a crazy ride. I don't know what exactly the man upstairs has in store for me, but all I can say is wow...I'm surprised I'm still living and I'm thankful for that. I just want everything to be better. I've realized life is pain until you realize what will take that pain away. I've loved and lost a man and I'm haunted by that.I know and realize now I won't see him again in this lifetime..I've had the last thing I actually cared about taken from me..The kid I never knew...But I guess I'll have to live with that...I've been physically and mentally abused by others...but not anymore, I'm stronger now....I've been through hell and back, and I'm still standing...So today, I've decided to let go of all of that. I'm done. It's a wrap..I'm moving forward now. I'm going to start looking at things more optimistically and quit bullshitting and living in the past. I can't change what's happened in the past, Lord knows if I could I probably would, but I figure if I live right, be more positive, a better day shall come

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July 13th, 2005

Current Music: Where Were You - Urban Mystic Security: Subject: Stressin Time: 10:51 pm Current Mood: rushed

I read in a recent magazine that high levels of stress can heighten memory recall. So I guess stress is good for something.

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July 11th, 2005

Security: Subject: Throwback Time: 03:45 pm

My job is fucking ridiculous. My grandmother just died and I have to leave the country to go take care of business (for some odd reason she put everything in my name and I have to look about inheritance and shit). I'll be gone for a week (7 days). These mother fuckers just called and said that I can only get 3 days berevement and if I'm gone for over 5 days then I'll be demoted and if I take over 7 they have to let me go. I've been there for awhile..I'm a fucking manager there and last death I had I got a whole week so....Blah I hate retail. R.I.P Real...1980-2005....My lover and bestfriend..You're greatly missed. R.I.P Grandma...1928-2005....See y'all when I get there.

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January 4th, 2005

Security: Time: 08:33 pm

I joined a gym. Worked out for only 15 minutes yesterday and now my back has an ache like none other. The nightmares are back. Our local like county paper reports the rapes and murders and all types of crimes, divided in each category. They report the numbers. There was one rape last month in my neighborhood. I'm trying to take it lightly. Like maybe it's a case of date rape. NOt saying that's not serious, just not as scary TO ME as what i experienced -- an intruder in my own damn house. No new year's resolutions. I want to work out daily and not fight with Greg 4 times a week, but whatever.

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December 2nd, 2004

Security: Subject: The Last Month of the Year Time: 10:18 am

I think it is safe to say that this has been the very worst year of my life. I thank God I even made it this far. My therapist is psychic. She knew I had stopped writing. She said she could tell there was a difference in me, not a good one. So I am going to try to start writing more often, like its going to make everything better, right? Well, she says it was a start, but to me, 2005 will be a start.

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October 28th, 2004

Security: Subject: Recent Movies Time: 01:26 pm

"The Grudge" has gotten so much hype but I thought it was pretty lame. I was so disappointed and who's in the mood for a damned sequel? Not me. "Team America" was kind of funny. The soundtrack bangs. I can't believe I'm actually going to buy it. Fuck yeah!

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October 25th, 2004

Security: Subject: God called in sick today... Time: 02:42 pm Current Mood: lonely

Well I believe it's pretty much over between me and my boyfriend. He hasn't really called or said shit so whatever. That will make my mom really happy, because she wanted it to fail anyways. Guess this is one more thing to add to my depressing life. Now I have no boyfriend on top of having noone to call a real friend. Anyways I have competition coming up (talent olympics in december) so I guess I'll just have that to focus on.

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October 18th, 2004

Security: Time: 04:17 pm

Today was my pointe test and I totally failed. I really wanted to go on pointe for some odd reason. I couldnt balance for 45 seconds :( I'll know my results sometime this week. I was fucking up all through class today. I don't know what the hell was wrong with me. I couldnt focus!! My antidepressants are getting me sick now. I tried to quit taking them and they made me really dizzy and I couldn't remember shit. I still can't remember shit. I think that's why I screwed up so badly in class today. Ugh And ok so my boyfriend been acting mad shady lately. I called him a few minutes ago and he said call him back in ten minutes, so I call him back and his boy answers the phone and they're over there acting all stupid and shit (I'm guessing they were making fun of me?). So my boyfriend gets back on the phone and says don't mind them blah blah, so I said I'll call you some other time and hung up. I'm never calling him again. He had a whole fucking weekend free and did not even consider coming to see me. I'm at the point where I'm like fuck this shit. 2 years are just going to have to go down the drain unless he changes. I tried but I don't possibly know how much more of his bullshit I can take. I need someone who's going to actually love and care for me. I know deep down inside shit will never change so I can't keep trying to make things better because it won't unless he changes which I doubt he will.

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October 10th, 2004

Current Music: Take me away - Avril Lavigne Security: Subject: Yo Necesito Poco De Paz En Mi Vida.... Time: 10:04 am Current Mood: good

Last weekend I went to NY to some party in the BX that this guy I knew from high school was having. It was like a bloody high school reunion and shit. I saw people I haven't seen for ages. It was great (even though the party was whack) My boyfriend even showed up. I was never so happy to see him. I almost knocked his ass over. Anyways we both got really drunk (yes while I'm on medication which fucked me up...Never ever drink and take medication!) and he was acting a fool and I was acting a fool. I ended up going home with him (I was supposed to go home with my homegirl but whatever) and had wild crazy monkey sex. lmao...Hey a few weeks is a long time for me. But anyways I was so drunk I started crying for no damn reason. I don't even know what the hell was wrong with me. It was weird. lol. I didn't want to come back to PA. I realized how much I missed dirty ass New York...I know that someday I'll be back to live there. Now I'm back being a single parent to my mothers kids and shit and I'm ready to rip someones head off. I just want some peace in this damn house and I don't get any with all these responsibilities of caring for kids. I don't know how some of these young girls are out having babies and shit. It's so dumb. Oh well. It's all a sacrifice. Oh yeah I got some money so I got most of my bills paid. I'm so happy about that. Too bad this weekend is a bore though.

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October 3rd, 2004

Current Music: big chips - jay-z and r. kelly Security: Subject: Pocono! Time: 09:46 am Current Mood: accomplished

Welp I did my audition for the Pocono Dance Ensemble and suprisingly got it even though I tripped during a tap number and screwed up a jazz number. I guess I showed I had heart or whatever. lol I'm glad I made it though. I'll get to take my mind off of things and I'll be around people my own age. My mom went to the club tonight so I'm watching the brats and tommorow I'm hopefully going to NY to some party. I hope I get to see my boyfriend too while I'm there.

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